Debut: As Stewart? As Jaguar? As Red Bull? (See also Mercedes GP)
Grands Prix: As above
Constructor’s Championships: 4
Driver’s Championships: 4
Wins: 54…hang on, didn’t Herbert win for Stewart? 55 then. Or…whatever
Team Principal: Christian Horner
Significant Others: Dietrich Mateschitz: billionaire entrepreneurial Austrian owner who simultaneously brought the world the energy drink, long-distance truckers unfettered confidence their jobs could be carried out in unbroken 24 hour stints and dickhead clubbers the ability to go on being a dickhead long after consciousness would ordinarily have claimed them: thanks, Dietrich!
Possibly taking the F1-is-a-circus metaphor a little too literally, Red Bull did at least realise its parade of extreme sport stunt gimmickry wouldn’t amount to much more than a noisy billion $ advertising bill if it didn’t add a few victories to Mateschitz’s newly acquired motor racing marketing platform.
One engineering trolley dash later and the team’s efforts milking the last few drops of glamour from the cracked and bleeding teat of a now desperately sagging F1 tit initially paid off in spades aboard the Vettel-powered, Newey-engineered steamroller.
Then 2014’s regulations turned up, the steamroller metamorphosed into a clown car and the Circus made an unexpected comeback to the sound of wheels falling off, steam coming out of the back and team boss Christian Horner’s funny, screaming red face now bellowing at his engine partner rather than the FIA.
Now caught on the pun-intended horns of a dilemma thanks to 2nd string Toro Rosso outfit bravely testing if Honda are still deep in their hari-kiri years or on the cusp of a kamikaze dive pull-out, expect them to be a bit closer to the front which is probably no good to anybody.
Distinguishing Markings: Blue, Red and Yellow in a cool non-reflective paint finish. This alone convinces millions across the globe that wearing a t-shirt with Red Bull on it is somehow less embarrassing than one sporting the evocative invocation to Drink Coke! These people are wrong and must be hunted down and killed lest the world sleepwalks into a evolution-reversing apocalypse in which man’s final simian descendants end intelligent life on Earth by killing each other over a beer sloganed hat
Reasons to support them, part 1: 1) Insomia is cool. 2) Male cows are cool. 3) BMX racing is still cool even though most people are fairly sure that left the cool-on-osphere at approximately the same trajectory as The Flying Banana back in 1986. 4) A vodka Red Bull is cooler than a gin and orange. 5) Look, just *EVERYTHING* with a *RED BULL* logo on it is so bloody *COOL*, OK?!?!?!?! 6) You’re a twat.
Split Personality? Stewart – HSBC, Ford-backed Jackie Stewart ego-experiment; successfully turned the most talented F3 driver of his generation into a confused, gibbering wreck. Jaguar – hubris-fuelled, embarrasingly conceived marketing piss-up that cost more in integrity than it ever got back in media exposure
Owned By: An Austrian. But I bet you still wouldn’t recognise the national anthem if it came on a jukebox, would you? And what sort of pubs are you hanging out in anyway?
Fun fact(s): Red Bull was created in an early version of the Hadron Collider only rather than smashing atomic particles together at high speed, chief recipe maker, Hans Delia-Smitz smashed together partially rotted oranges, Tartrazine, Sterodent and his own piss before finally arriving at the sharp, distinctive taste so bafflingly adored by millions of long-distance truck drivers the world over
Not to be confused with: Red Sonia, 99 Red Balloons by Sonia, Sonia, Irn Bru