Ferrari

Debut: Literally, *ages* ago

Grands Prix: 993

Constructor’s Championships: 16

Driver’s Championships: 15

Wins: 234

Team Principal: Mattia Binotto

Drivers:

Sebastian Vettel                                                                      Charles Leclerc

Significant Others: Mattia Binotto – Barton Fink re-imagined as Barton Fink – but in a red jumpsuit. At the end of the film our titular hero sits forlornly on a beach; out of a job with just a suitcase to cling to. PRESCIENCE KLAXON!

The Italian nation: The Romans, the Renaissance, the Mafia; Caesar, Michelangelo, Silvio Berlusconi: no wonder they’re easily excited by a bright red car having to cope with that sort of historical turbulence

History: The Team that Single-Handedly Saved F1: as egregiously misleading as any slogan purporting that Bernie Ecclestone had a similarly beneficial influence on the sport.

The Scuderia – in case you’ve been hiding under a rock and putting your fingers in your ears – are the oldest and the most evocative name on the grid. They are also – arguably – the most wasteful, disingenuous and chaotic never mind the only remaining team still blatantly sucking up fag cash quicker than its coughing, cancer-ridden consumers fund it.

On the one hand, if it weren’t for Ferrari Monza would have been ditched a decade ago but on the other much of the wilful obstruction of sensible technical and financial rules that have helped turned F1 into a crackerbarrel laughing stock of dumb rules even more dumbly administered by a bunch of dummies might also have been avoided.

Having successfully rid itself of more technical staff than the rest of the paddock knew who to hire afterwards, Ferrari have successfully created cars that are nearly but not quite fastest most of the time which everyone seems to forget isn’t the point. Expect Binotto’s cranium to be a Fiat ashtray come November if the same thing happens again.

Distinguishing Markings: Red and white. Like Marlboro cigarettes only, at the same time and under EU anti-tobacco law, obviously nothing whatsoever like that. Now with added green bits in case you’re one of the 8 people who’d forgotten they’re Italian.

Reasons to support them, part 1: That sexy red. Oooh. Like a fire engine. You like fire engines, right? And English post boxes and phone booths. They’re sexy as well of course: especially early on a Saturday morning after the pubs and toilets are all shut.

Didn’t Villeneuve Snr race for them? Now he was sexy. And that German prince: Von Tripps or something. Hang on, he killed a bunch of people. Ok how about all the romance and madness then? The autocratic head; the sentimentality; the political maneuverings; sacking one of the greatest drivers of all time for pointing out the good car they’d promised him wasn’t that. The Schumacher fixing years? The Raikkonen never-ending contract years. Errr…

Split Personality? They used to be called ‘Ferrari’ before Fiat bought them sometime in the 1970s whereupon they were still called, ‘Ferrari’ in case people thought cars like the Daytona, 250GT and Testa Rossa were in some way related to the 124, Tempra and that van thing that looks like a stillbirth on wheels

Owned By: The whole Italian nation. At the time of writing in other words, the European Central Bank and – hence – probably, the Germans: Ironic LoLs

Fun fact(s): That Ferrari emblazoned stuff you bought makes most people think the opposite of the effect you think it’s inspiring in them.

Not to be confused with: Nick Ferrari, Ferries, Brian Ferry, Other Italian Sportscar Firms Now Owned Exclusively By the Germans