Schumacher career emulation probably gone too far, admits Vettel

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Sebastian Vettel has admitted his attempt to emulate former mentor and hero Michael Schumacher has overstepped the mark.

Clouting a kerb then driving into the path of Lance Stroll prior to a 13th place finish at the Italian Grand Prix, the other multiple German world champion now believes the series of clown car escapades he’s embarked on since his last title has gone beyond even his idol’s unedifying final days Wacky Races re-runs.

Said the increasingly haunted looking Ferrari driver, “I have always wanted to match Michael’s great achievements but failing that would settle for having some Ferrari victories of my own before crashing myself out of a career in a series of increasingly embarrassing clashes with my fellow drivers.”

Sebastian Vettel and Michael Schumacher
“One day…I want to keep being employed to run into the back of somebody for no good reason, too”

“Unfortunately, it would seem I’ve proved more adept at the latter than the former.”  

“Which I’ve found more enjoyable as well, if I’m perfectly honest,” he admitted.

For nearly 2 seasons…alright 3.  4 then? How about 5?  the Ferrari driver has besmirched, smeared, stifled, set fire to and generally kicked the shit out of his former reputation with a series of driver pratfalls most Fast and the Furious directors would have considered more preposterous than a Vin Diesel acting career.

“In retrospect: perfecting the crashing-into-everyone-else routines should have started once I’d finished the accumulating-more-titles routine,” continued the German.

“But I tell you what, I think I’ve probably achieved greater perfection with this current sideline than with any of that title nonsense.”

“Or so everyone tells me 24/7 on social media apparently,” he stifled a sob.