Button to return to F1 as middle-aged woman’s fantasy

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Jenson Button is to make a dramatic return to F1, unshaven and oiled up but only in various middle aged women’s daydreams, it’s been revealed.

The otherwise in reality retiring 37 year old will come back for the 2017 season mainly to walk in and out of a steamy shower adding or discarding a tiny white towel which will be whipped off his rippling physique coquettishly before he disappears off camera, winking.

Late 40s HRT user, Sandra Dutchoven said, “like many other women-of-a-certain-age I was devastated when Jenson decided to take his cheeky grin and tousled hair away from the sport I love.”

Jenson Button

*sound of furious strumming*

“Albeit mainly because I love Jenson,” she explained.

“So I was delighted when my imagination confirmed he would be back next year and indeed most evenings after a few sherries, staring moodily into the distance before turning to catch my eye – possibly whilst I’m fingering the flapjack.”

After a long and distinguished career collecting millions of pounds to finish quite a long way in front of the last man and usually less than that behind the first, the British driver finally called it quits when a Belgian agreed to do that for the same it cost in Button’s clothing allowance.

“I’m glad Jenson agreed to come back especially now Ron Dennis has stepped down,” Dutchoven continued, breathlessly.

“As silver nipple clamps would almost certainly be considered against Mclaren uniform rules.”

“Especially with no shirt on wearing just a pair of Sloggis,” she explained.