Reacting to the 22 year old’s demotion to its junior team, the unhinged ex-KGB Premier declared his traditional afternoon pick-me-up would become a double downer in protest at the pop manufacturer’s move against his fellow countryman.
Said the terrifying blank-eyed superpower-baiter, “after a hard day’s money laundering and sabre rattling, nothing would get me in a more productive mood for the afternoon’s supplementary bout of democracy-crushing than a Smirnoff and Red Bull.”
Any more for Polonium?
“But given their actions against Daniil this week I have reluctantly decided to simply double the vodka intake instead.”
“God help the whole of humanity for my decision making from now on,” he added.
Kvyat had got off to a fairly humdrum start to the 2016 season even before he’d taken to treating Red Bull alumni Sebastian Vettel’s Ferrari as an auto-test bollard and profanity klaxon.
But whilst the rest of the world were secretly thrilled to see the 4-times world champion hurling invective at a tyre wall, the writing was already on it as far as the young Russian and his team’s stick-wielding employment henchman, Helmut Marko were concerned.
“It’s a shame Premier Putin is no longer a fan of our product but I’m sure this won’t impact how he views our company generally or me specifically, “company boss Dietrich Mateschitz said through a gag whilst hanging upside down above a tank full of Tiger Sharks.