Everyone has agreed that bringing the world’s economy to the brink of Financial Armageddon is a price worth paying to ensure Pastor Maldonado finally leaves Formula 1.
The 30 year old Venezuelan tearaway finally waved goodbye to the sport he had served the world of panel beating for so well when his home country’s accountants realized the level of oil revenue required to send the 2012 Spanish Grand Prix winner on another season of mayhem would finally bankrupt the South American basketcase country.
Caracas economist, Hugo Sadowitz said, “we would love to keep Pastor on the Grand Prix circuit another year to help keep Venezuela in the tourist spotlight as the home of the car crash psychopath’s psychopath.”
That oughtta do it
“But sadly with the oil price now barely above that of a supermarket own brand Um Bongo carton we have had to pull the plug on Pastor’s desire to finally complete his Panini Formula 1 Driver Crash sticker album.”
Maldonado has had a chequered Formula 1 career if by chequered you mean obliterating the very thing he spent his whole life trying to get into and which provided his living: like that parable of the scorpion crossing the river on the back of the frog and the scorpion stinging the frog and them both dying.
Or was it a duck?
“Hundreds and hundreds of traders have basically gone on a freebase-fueled commodities selling mania wiping billions of dollars off the value of any oil-producing country, destabilising the global economy and hurling otherwise decent, law-abiding societies into a dog-eat-dog, illiberal hysteria shitstorm where the weakest and most vulnerable are condemned and assaulted by a latently violent, incomprehending, terrified nation,” Sadowitz continued.
“Which – let’s be honest, with all things considered – is probably a fair enough price to get that lunatic out of F1,” he explained.