Allah got it in for Raikkonen

Allah can’t stand the sight of Kimi Raikkonen, it’s been revealed.

The almighty creator of the Universe was revealed as a loather of the soporific Ferrari driver after contriving yet another Middle Eastern Grand Prix podium to fall into the barely legible Finn’s lap, ensuring F1’s number 1 alcohol chum once again had to chug down a big bottle of lemonade in the Arabic Universe progenitor’s back yard.

Top Islamic scholar, Admiral Akbar said, “Allah – oh Eternal, oh Absolute, oh fucking massively misunderstood a lot of people are currently hoping – is a keen follower of Formula 1 and not just from when Lewis Hamilton turned up and started doing cool stencils and stuff on his biceps.”

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Throw me that can of Super T’s, could you?

“I’ll have you know the Being Who Comprises All The Attributes of Perfection has been watching since at least the ’80s: attracted by the likes of Gilles Villeneuve’s flamboyance, Prost’s artistry and Nigel Mansell’s superb moustache – Inshallah.”

His Sublimeness’ mysterious antipathy towards the monosyllabic croaking layabout has manifested itself in the only way the otherwise omnipotent being could think of: unexpectedly boosting the 33 year old’s performance in Middle Eastern races, ensuring public celebration was exercised in 100% sobriety.

“Kimi has massively got on The Exceedingly Merciful’s tit-end for some reason,” Akbar continued.

“Best not to question why; just look on in wry mystical incomprehension at the fact The Majestic, The Exalted is only denying him some booze twice a year as penance.”

“Presumably he thought ISIS might have overdone it if he’d asked them, instead?” he added.

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