Red Bull are to be sat down and have the concept of sport spelt out to them.
The multi-billion dollar fizzy drink empire entered Formula 1 believing it to be an excellent marketing platform to expose their brand to a global audience of impressionable, high-spending youngsters but failed to realise it was also a sport in which participants both win and lose owing to it being a competition and that.
Sports expert Jason Cundy told us, “to a capricious multinational interested only in the bottom line, the high-octane world of premier motor racing offers an incredibly exciting environment in which to make a shit ton of money.”
Apparently we can’t win all the time just because we have the biggest hospitality truck
“Red Bull walked into the paddock and even the sound of powerful, revving F1 engines couldn’t drown out the sound of a million cash registers ringing in their ears.”
“Assuming they could still hear it above the orgasms generated by their bonus slips,” he continued.
But the team’s Austrian pop-baron, Dietrich Mateschitz failed to comprehend that like any sport, excellence is rewarded and mediocrity punished. Usually. Maybe. Alright, some of the time.
“They’ve got all the right ingredients to be a successful Formula 1 team,” Cundy continued.
“Excellent brand identity, sharp PR department, brilliant multi-channel cross-platform integration and dynamic youth-led marketing buzz.”
“It’s such a shame their engine is such bobbins then because all they’ve ended up doing is looking like whiney middle-aged dads moaning about how shit everything is and undermining everything they’ve spent billions trying to create.”
“Though it’s bloody hilarious, we’ll give them that,” he added.