Lotus staff angry at Ecclestone soul-ownership deal

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Lotus staff are livid part of the Bernie Ecclestone deal to pay off their salaries involves the billionaire owning their souls in perpetuity.

Following the Enstone team’s recent financial difficulties, the owners reportedly asked F1’s commercial rights holder for monetary assistance to tide themselves over until the next roulette spin came up on red.

The terrifyingly banal pipsqueak billionaire responded in apparent benevolence to the request but it has been revealed, with certain important metaphysical strings attached.

ecclestone lotus

Not you love; you’re giving me your tits

Commented team insider, Cleethorpes Frangipane, “everyone was elated at first when we found out Bernie was going to underwrite our salaries.”

“But I tell you what: we’d have thought twice about allowing it to go through if we’d realised he would receive each one of our mortal souls for all eternity in exchange.”

Ecclestone has frequently assisted F1 teams in trouble but always in expectation F1’s ringmeister would get paid back with interest or crucial favours.

Whether they be votes in constructor meetings, positive spin in the press or keeping intensely annoying Irishmen as F1 team CEOs long enough to get them jobs years later annoying freeloading BBC viewers as a pundit, Ecclestone has always got what he wanted.

But today’s world of internet social media, iPhones and engine tokens is a world away from the Sheena Easton and Chinese Detective of the past and owning the immortal essences of workers from a preternaturally dead Oxfordshire F1 outfit is – for many – a step too far.

“I’m not sure what I need it for exactly but I’m fairly certain a man who can’t even produce sane 100% corporeal offspring is going to treat entirely metaphysical entities better than I can,” Frangipane continued.

“Don’t get me wrong: anything is for sale at the right price and my soul is no different from say, my 1986 World Cup Panini football sticker album.”

“I’m just saying that getting 1,200 quid for another month’s scrubbing out the staff toilets might not be adequate recompense for holding my immortal being in their possession till the end of time,” he explained.