Fans of sports events mirroring the stereotypical generalisations of their host country were disappointed the recent British Grand Prix didn’t wind up in a drunken fist fight.
Featuring appalling race wear, bad parking, endless queuing, heavy drinking and thin, reedy July sunshine followed by blustery showers, the event lived up to its proto-nationalistic BBC backslapping promotion as a Great British Event.
But with no reported admissions to A&E following an argument in a car park that escalated rapidly in direct relation to the alcohol-sleep deprivation ratio of the protagonists, some were disappointed the event didn’t fully mirror the nation’s character.
Hit him, Keith!!!
“The oohs and ahhs of a Wimbledon Centre Court crowd; polite applause at St Andrews for a perfectly executed bunker shot; late afternoon tipsy chanting at Lords: this is what British summer sport is all about,” Professor Alan Rapealarm of the British Summer Sport Studies School explained.
“Similarly, a dominant win by a home-grown driver at Silverstone in front of a badly-dressed now largely impoverished, rubbish-strewn crowd in a Typical British Summer’s pissing rain is the sort of bankrupt set of box-ticking stereotypes likely to make the typically tub-thumping dewey-eyed Englishman masturbate furiously in nationalistic suburban pride.”
“Were it not for the unfortunate absence of stupefying levels of alcohol imbibement-backed casual violence,” he continued.
It’s thought up to 45 million Great British Motor Racing Fans attended the Silverstone event; not a single one failing to appreciate the proud efforts of back markers Marussia or foreign drivers’ ultimately futile attempts at victory, knowing precisely the year a Tyrrell last won and why everyone has to love adorable OAP F1 buffoon Murray Walker or you will be hunted down and killed.
“Jingoistic bug-eyed tub-thumping; garish, laughably expensive polyester sports apparel; eye-stinging clouds of vapourised offal; industrial beer consumption and weather straight from a climate-change manual: textbook British Grand Prix,” The Professor continued.
“Only lacking the inevitable consequences of a man criticising the weight of another man’s wife having had his pint knocked whilst on the way to a portaloo.”
“Then it could have been the pluperfect British Sporting Event: what a shame,” he explained.