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Fernando Alonso has told his new team’s 2015 F1 challenger it’s him; not the Mclaren MP4-30.

The 33 year old hit a wall during F1 testing in Barcelona but despite the relatively low speed accident has been suffering from a “headache” for several days, keeping him out of the cockpit of a car he’d otherwise be dying to slip into at every available moment.

Said a spokesperson for the Fastest Beard in Motorsport, “Fernando is not feeling very well – honestly.”

For God’s sake; nobody tell her where I am

“The new Mclaren is really, really lovely: terrific. Nothing wrong with her at all: she’s great, in fact.”

“But he does think it would be better if they kept apart – just until he gets his head together.”

Despite its sleek, seductive bodywork, Mclaren’s newest F1 challenger has proved unreliable, troublesome, capricious and temperamental.

It demands its drivers and engineers be there 24 hours a day but then refuses to fire up or breaks down and has a massive strop just because it was asked to maybe just think about doing say, more than 10 laps in a row: or is even that too much to ask?

“Fernando is entirely committed to Mclaren – certainly for an indefinite period,” the Spaniard’s spokesperson continued.

“Albeit an indefinite period time which could well end when, say: a Mercedes driver is involved in a freak motorway accident, firearms tragedy or bizarre poisoning episode.”

“To pick some events entirely at random.”