Mclaren’s spending on obfuscation, deception and outright horseshittery is beginning to pay dividends, say experts.
The shiny silver perenial underachievers have compounded somehow luring a major manufacturer to drag their hastily thrown together shit boxes round the world’s race circuits in 2015 by simultaneously landing venerated ex-employee Fernando Alonso.
“Fernando was a-sick and a-tired of all-a the sheety Ferrari bullsheet,” ludicrous ex-Renault cheating Italian halfwit, Flavio Briatore said in his usual comedy accent.
You are feeling very sleeeeeeeeepyyyyyyyy
“Meck-laren on-a the other a-hand had-a top quality a-bullsheet and-a this a was-a crucial inna Fernando’s mind-a being a made up.”
The Woking squad have not won a race in over 2 years, have no title sponsor and were forced to employ a French Penfold impersonator to run the team when their Martin 3000 Autobot had to be stood down after it blew a 3 amp fuse in its teeth.
Which still isn’t enough to put people off going to work there. In fucking Woking.
“Issa bladdy good, Mclaren bollocky bullshit,” Briatore continued.
“Their PR is like-a bladdy Derren bladdy Brown or summink!”
“Senna, Prost, 40 year history, excellence, Technology Centre, HRH the Queen, Believe in Mclaren hashtag,” a man in a breathtakingly expensive suit intoned dreamily whilst conducting a gently swaying room full of vacant-looking men and women all dribbling slightly.
“I DEFINITELY STILL HAVE A CAREER AT MCLAREN!!!” Kevin Magnussen sang, except with his eyes.