Last bloke from previous Ferrari regime cowering in Maranello basement

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A Ferrari mechanic of 10 years’ service has yet to be fired from the Italian team because nobody from the new regime knows about the cellar he’s hiding in.

Ferdinand Juventus accidentally locked himself in the underground stationary cupboard 2 weeks ago after going to retrieve replacement Post-It notes but has remained put ever since discovering the personnel blood bath being conducted barely a metre above his head.

Speaking from a satellite phone the Milanese spannerman told us, “the lock’s always been tricky and several times people have nearly found themselves shut in.”

Marchionne Arrivabene Ferrari

Merry Christmas; you’re fired

“But I would never have guessed I’d be so grateful for accidentally letting the door click on the latch given the personnel cull going on just above me.”

“Aside from the lack of food, water or sanitary facilities obviously,” he added in a rasping whisper.

Ferrari’s removal of Marco Mattiacci as F1 team chief along with Group Chairman, Luca di Montezemolo in November presaged an intense culling of Scuderia staff in a bid to locate who exactly has been responsible for the previous 5 years’ debacles.

Which for some reason cost everyone except Kimi Raikkonen their job.

“I’ve never been so grateful for a door accidentally clicking on the latch,” Juventus continued.

“Sorry, have I said that already? I think my mind started to go when I began eating the Pritt Sticks: I reckon the glue’s toxic.”

“That and sleeping in my own excrement night after night,” he barely audibly added.