Lewis Hamilton is to return his mind to the shop he bought it from.
The 29 year old Mercedes driver purchased the apparently fully functioning human source of consciousness to carry out a series of mind games but has decided it is not fit for purpose.
Said the one-eyed tattoo’d shit-for-brains, “I thought this was exactly the sort of thing I needed to both get what I wanted and have fun but as it turns out, it’s provided the complete opposite of both those things.”
Anyone for Kerplunk?
“I’ve therefore decided to return it to the shop I got it from; I’ve got a receipt so I will either get my money back or something of equal value – maybe the latest Tiny Tempah CD or a set of black combats to go with my green ones,” he explained.
The Monaco runner-up first learnt about the proto-bullying sports gambit whilst hanging out in the Mercedes motor home watching his favourite DVD, The Mighty Ducks 2.
It prompted the 26 time Grand Prix winner to seek out a new seat of mental reasoning, believing this to be an advantage combating good friend, “fucking Brainiac knobhead” Rosberg in his attempts to attain a second F1 drivers’ title.
“I’m not sure what happened, only that when I pressed the ‘clever’ button, everything went black and my eye started to hurt,” Hamilton explained.
“Or maybe it was all the tears in it: one or the other.”