The Woking squad have had a wretched 2013 to go with respectively disappointing, excruciating and woeful previous years where they sometimes fleetingly looked like winning something before ending up doing nothing like that.
Team boss Martin Whitmarsh burbled, “disappointment, but, team like ours, sponsors and partners, but, Vodafone, history, disappointing, Jenson, but, fantastic job, Sergio, but, difficult position, Vodafone, team like ours, history.”
Shit: I thought we were getting Red Bull
“Vodafone, Mclaren, team like ours, Mercedes, sponsors and partners, history, disappointment, but, Mclaren, disappointment, Vodafone, team like ours, history, P45,” he added.
Arsenal fan, Greg Breakfasts welcomed the impending alliance of sustained mediocrity and crushing disillusion, “we have won fuck all in 8 years yet are once again top of the league with what looks like a side that can beat anyone – apart from all the teams who’ve beaten us.”
“So like Mclaren fans, I too expect the whole thing to turn to a dribbling rust coloured streak of piss any time soon and look forward to swapping self-flagellating middle-class stories of proxy angst with like-minded people who also have too few proper problems in their lives.”
The ceremony will be conducted by Gary Linekar in a replica Italia 90 England kit in which the Walkers Crisp striker also nearly won something without ever looking remotely like actually doing that.