The 33 year old multiple Grand Prix winner has had his status altered by his employers and will from now on be mainly used as a litmus test for whether any other drivers on their payroll are shit or not.
Initial tests were less successful
Unfathomably Head of Everything, Martin Whitmarsh said, “Jenson has been a superb driver for us but he will be an even better measure of whether anyone else in the other car is any good.”
The Head and Shoulders model has now driven for so many teams, against so many drivers and spent so long in the Mclaren simulator that the Woking squad concluded he is not just superbly free of dandruff but also the best benchmark for driving meh-ness in the business.
“Jenson is a walking, talking Goldilocks 3 Bears analogy,” Whitmarsh continued.
“Not too fast, not too slow, likes getting his oats.”
“At least: I think that’s what the story is saying.”