The 19 year old was a surprise addition to the Faenza squad, but not half as surprised as his sponsors were when they discovered they’d just sunk 8 million quid into the Tesco Value Red Bull F1 team rather than the winners of the 2009 Barclays Asia Trophy, (China).
Said Kvyat’s PR company, “I am delighted to be joining such a prestigious team and hope to add to the joint 1951/52 Ipswich Hospital Charity Cup winner’s trophy cabinet as soon as I’m able to.”
And anyone who doesn’t believe me ends up with this many fingers
“At the end of the day, when all’s said and done, didn’t the lad do well, 110%, delighted for the boy, I just hit it and it flew into the top corner,” it added before briefing the media anonymously about how Manchester United and Real Madrid were secretly interested in him.
Paddock pundit, Wolf Stetson commented, “I was totally shocked at the decision.”
“And like everybody else casually racist towards Russians, I assumed the appointment had nothing to do with talent and everything to do with being him being shadowed by a menacing looking man in an overcoat and trilby sporting a gold tooth, Kalsashnikov, threatening baritone voice and a briefcase full of peculiarly coloured foreign currency.”
“Now I know that’s true and they’re too stupidly rich to be able to tell the difference between racing cars going round in circles and 22 men kicking a ball around a patch of grass, I feel entirely justified in maintaining this flippant bigotry indefinitely,” he added.
It’s thought Kvyat’s sponsors will become incandescent with rage, find an unfortunate innocent to blame then torture and murder him in an idiosyncratically terrifying fashion.