Engineers have demonstrated tyres are merely a ring-shaped covering of rubber designed to protect a wheel rim to expedite the forward motion of a vehicle.
The breakthrough was confirmed by top oval rubber scientists at the CERN laboratory in Switzerland and live tweeted to astonished journalists at 4:13PM yesterday afternoon by top tyre blogger, RubberDude1974; a 39 year old divorced ICI fork-lift driver, also known as Keith Dewsbury.
“Detailed experiments and reporting now peer reviewed; confirm rubber tyres enable better vehicle performance #f1 #tyres #rubber #roundshit”
When would you all like me to kill myself?
Word soon spread through the F1 paddock like wildfire. Dumbfounded paddock veteran, Chuck Chickpeas said, “this is the single most amazing revelation since the Crashgate scandal. If I wasn’t about to keel over from drink I think I would keel over from this.”
“Can somebody help me up by the way?” he added.
Tyres were often suspected of merely providing traction between the vehicle and the road whilst providing a flexible cushion that absorbs shock.
But the consensus that they are an F1 political football used to create a background din of controversy and contretemps, undermine fellow competitors and generally distract everyone from potentially important stuff like the fact nobody can afford to race any more, proved hard to dislodge.
“Well fuck my tits; this has completely blown my mind,” said Natalie Pinkham.
“What’s a tyre again?”