Fernando Alonso has called on his Ferrari team to step up its sacrifice of teenage virgins.
The Spaniard was talking ahead of this weekend’s British Grand Prix where the 2011 winner hopes to maintain or extend his championship lead but only if the great Canannite God, Baal-Haddad is satiated further by another diet of immolated girls still possessed of an intact hymen.
“My lead in this championship is already unexpected but it is also slender and our rivals are talented and resourceful,” the double World Champion said, in pristine scarlet druid’s cowl.
Right: who forgot the fanny?
“Certainly more talented and resourceful than this lot. So it is important that we hurry up and locate as many trainee nuns, Twilight fans and Sicilian girls under 14 who can run faster than their brothers,” he added, absent-mindedly fiddling with his staff.
Ferrari began the season with a car that looked like it had come straight from its crash test and drove like it had failed it.
So rather than trust Scuderia success to the bunch of clowns that got them in this mess, team chief Stefano Domenicali chose instead to indulge the violent whims of a 3,000 year old pagan god in return for his celestial Grand Prix blessings.
“The beginning of the season was very difficult but now we are in a much better place,” Domenicali said before a shrieking 15 year old, tied with guy ropes to the Maranello kitchen worktop.
“Lord Haddad has been very good to us and we are in a strong position in the championship now. Finding that Convent of trainee nuns in the hills above the factory has proved an absolute boon in particular.”
“I’m certainly more confident we can find another couple of tenths in time for Silverstone,” he added, raising the dagger of Marduk high above his head as a coterie of attendant mechanics arranged in a Pentangle, muttered a series of mysterious incantations, cut short by a brief, high-pitched, blood-curdling scream.