A new disco lighting start system is to be introduced from the Chinese Grand Prix onwards, writes our metallic pantaloon correspondent, Shaft.
The new sequence will incorporate 4 times as many bulbs and 6 additional colours compared to the existing 5 red light gantry mounted system as well as introducing a tilt and spin facility, strobe effect, dry ice and a glitter ball.
Charlie Whiting’s depression of the start button will henceforth now initiate the playing of funky 70’s Disco hits such as Donna Summer’s, “I Feel Love”, Chic’s “Le Freak” or Carl Douglas’ “Kung Fu Fightin’” accompanied by a musically co-ordinated sequence of syncopated multi-coloured flashing lights.
The actual race will then begin after a random time period has elapsed; abruptly ending the music and light sequence whereupon a mildly threatening voice will come over the PA instructing everyone to finish their drinks, collect their belongings from the cloakroom and please leave the venue quietly to respect local residents.
Don’t stop till you get enough – or 2 hours or 200 miles: whichever’s first
“The FIA have been looking to introduce a more exciting start procedure as the final package of amendments to improve the show for a number of years now,” journalist Perry Bono told us.
“And following extensive consultations with fans, the teams and ex-members of Earth, Wind and Fire they look to have nailed it with this particular solution.”
Following the introduction of the funkadelic start sequence it’s believed the FIA will next turn their attention to the iconic chequered flag finale as the last piece in their 21st Century F1 jigsaw overhaul.
“I’d argue emulating the Madonna Vogue video would work as – in keeping with the new start – it’s both disco yet post-disco: plus it was shot in black-and-white, thereby maintaining the traditional finishing motif,” Bono suggested.
“Then again, I like Jean Todt’s suggestion of Jonny Rotten in a huge spiky green afro spitting at the winner as he crosses the line since punk arguably spelled the death of disco and would act as a figurative book-end to the new starting system.”
“Plus a 60 year old has-been leaping about gesticulating at a car would leave you in no doubt that’s the end of today’s entertainment,” he added.