Lotus considers car construction to go with marketing bullshit output

Lotus have suddenly realised pumping out an endless stream of inane PR isn’t enough to compete in Formula 1, writes our marketing guff correspondent, Hugo Toss.

The black and gold marketing shell company leveraged by a venture capitalist firm to flog authentically British cars as made in Malaysia has been in the news a lot lately which is absolutely terrific for their online profile, this Marketing consultancy firm told the team as part of their frankly terrifying 2012 strategy presentation.

“The team has figured really prominently in a whole series of PR initiatives,” gruesome, beaming shit-ponce Jamie Whittington-Hopecrush the Third told a room of gullible, dribbling executives.

Lotus on fire

Sausages taste better on the new Lotus(c) barbecue set

“If we look at this graph we can see how recent concerted activity in the digital sphere has contributed to a positive upswing in brand recognition by the public,” he began, ominously; pointing at a series of coloured lines promising equal squalid moments of boredom, perturbation and disgust.

“If we look at this graph we can see how the longer I keep saying this sort of stuff, the more it feels like Powerpoint and myself are gang-raping your brain,” he continued.

“And if you stop crying for long enough, this graph shows my expenses.”

But the team that used to be Toleman before it used to be Benetton before it became Renault before it stopped even pretending the name meant anything at all was in danger of not making the grid for 2012 if it couldn’t at least bolt together something black and gold coloured that looked sort of car-like and could separately seat an ex-drunk and Pinocchio look-alike winner.

“Apparently, as well as making high-profile announcements about drivers who are past-it, women or French we have to build a car,” team principal, Eric Boullier told reporters.

“I’m gutted: I thought once we got the name sorted out all we had to do was paint a cardboard model and ensure we had enough bikini-clad models to wave at the press 20 times a year.  We’ll definitely have to take another look at next year’s budget even though there’s not much slack in it once we agreed to pick up Kimi’s mini-bar tab,” he concluded.

Design and construction of the new car would begin immediately, Boullier explained though not until he’d simultaneously announced a tie-in with the new Spiderman film and the launch of Lotus-branded limited edition objects including t-shirts, i-Phone cases and High Court injunctions.

Leave a Reply