Kubica Tekken comeback fears

Earthrealm: Robert Kubica is wondering if his comeback has been scripted by the same bloke who came up with the Tekken franchise, writes our convoluted beat-em-up plot correspondent, Dolph Lundgren.

Currently convalescing in a Krakow A&E ward, the Pole has been slowly recovering from a horrific accident earlier in the year in which the 26 year old inadvertently took part in a high speed precision driving between very sharp, hard objects event ending with the intervention of a solid concrete parapet, winch and heavy duty cutting gear.

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Since then, the Renault-contracted driver has seen his potential 2012 team-mate morph from a Russian whose appearance, voice and driving technique increasingly resembles Drago from Rocky IV, a former colleague he struggled to vanquish in a series of increasingly testing but mysteriously recurring encounters to a younger relative of the greatest legend that ever held a steering wheel.

“Don’t get me wrong, Robert is itching to get back behind the wheel,” his manager, Robert Robinson told us.

“But equally, he’s trying to figure out whether any of these 3 really will be an opponent or if – for all he knows – by the time he gets back in the car, it will be a Bruce Lee lookalike, violent Holly Willoughby-esque gymnast or boxing glove-wearing panda.”

“We wish Robert well in his continuing recovery,” head Renault honcho, Eric Boullier said.

“And I can confirm that whoever we choose as his team-mate it will be the best man for the job and not just somebody who can improve the team’s finances; a 7 foot tall bloke with a quiff for example, or disco dancing ragamuffin.”

“Unless Lewis decides to leave his current employer, in which case: we’ll reserve the right to review the situation,” he added.

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