Somerfield: A 150 foot tall fire-breathing monster is demanding people pay for their F1 coverage or it will crush every living thing in its path, writes our subductive-induced prehistoric leviathan debt collector correspondent, Ken Kong.
The luminous green, scaly Kraken with slavering jaws and 400 foot wing span announced itself to a terrified global audience last Sunday; rising from the ocean depths and rampaging across towns and villages; stomping on cars, sending pedestrians helter-skeltering across streets in blind, breathless, screeching panic and peering menacingly into the top windows of the tallest office blocks.
“The release of this prehistoric leviathan from the depths of its previously inescapable rocky tomb appears to have occurred due to unexpected divergent subductive movements of the Eurasian and Arabian tectonic plates,” head of monster studies at the London School of Sea Serpents, Professor Chris Tricerotops explained.
Sorry about this but Bernie needs a bigger Winnebago
“Trapped under the earth’s crust for the last 70 million years sadly appears to have stoked an aggressive society-pulverizing behaviour however.”
“Though I must admit I’m surprised that, rather than the usual demand of wanting its offspring returned from a sinister government research laboratory or simply to destroy as much as possible before a constellation alignment sends it back to sleep, a requirement 150,000 additional people subscribe to Sky Sports to prevent further mayhem seems eccentric,” he added.
Head of SKY!!!!’s Outdoor Histrionic Broadcasting unit, Kirsty Marathon addressed the fucking enormous behemoth and assembled journalists; “usually the sight of a long-extinct fire-breathing malevolent reptile destroying the face of the Earth would be a source of sad if terrifically exciting news, “
“But thanks to the demands of this vengeful, cold-blooded titan, viewers of F1 can look forward in 2012 to our unrivalled standard of sports journalism including our world class shiny, spinning computer graphics, teeth-rattling, bombastic theme music and endless commercials for our other output,” she gurgled enthusiastically.
Right: so this has come pre-loaded with the Adult channel as well then, surely?
“It’s a shame we’ve had to drop free-to-air broadcasts,” Bernie Ecclestone added.
“But once this monster was released from the fiery depths and its terms and conditions of desisting from civilization-smashing were laid out, I was powerless to do anything but accept millions of pounds of additional revenue,” he commented, stoically.
Fans meanwhile were angry if largely resigned to being unable to prevent themselves from giving Sky lots of their money for the rest of their lives.
“Initially, I must admit I was tremendously upset,” Cullum Snatch from St Albans commented.
“But once I realised not paying risked the fate of hundreds of thousands of innocent men, women and children ending up inside the belly of a carnivorous prehistoric monster, I decided to sign up for a subscription immediately.”
“I’ll probably get movies as well,” he added, “I’ve been dying to to be honest; it’s exactly the sort of excuse I’ve been looking for.”
It’s thought this will literally be the only time in history when people will look back on Jim Rosenthal with something approaching wistful affection.