Jenson Button’s 2011 driver’s title will amaze you even more than Robbie Williams singing a nursery rhyme whilst a conjurer inserts needles into his arms.
The 31 year old’s implausible Hungarian victory, vanquishing both changeable conditions and a team-mate intent on recreating the plot of Death Race 2000 each week, prompted the apparently delusional championship statement from the fluffy-haired ballerina-banger.
But despite being nearly 40 million points behind current leader, German Sebastian Vettel the bloke with the half-cut dad insisted the impossible could become real – in the blink of an eye.
“I know this looks utterly implausible,” he told an audience at the Soho Theatre from behind a bar stool on which was perched an upside-down top hat.
What’s that Sooty….? You think it seems fucking implausible as well?
“But everything is not always what it seems,” he said, inviting an audience member to pick a card – any card – from this unmarked deck.
“So what can appear impossible – magical, even; in reality is just a very simple trick that when revealed, will blow your mind’, he told the assembled guests before correctly selecting the 9 of diamonds to a thin trickle of applause.
But despite the superficially impressive sleight of hand skills, the massive points gap left even the most skeptical skeptics deeply skeptical about the Englishman’s chances.
“I think what he’s suggesting is impossible,” a skeptic commented.
“It would have to be like Paul Daniels crossed with David Copperfield to the power of 10. Or at least as impressive as if that fella who got eaten by that lion’s hand had emerged, semi-digested clutching the card the lion was thinking of whilst it was swallowing him,” he speculated.
You are feeling v-e-e-e-e-e-r-y st-u-u-pid…
Others though, felt the Mclaren driver should be given a chance; “I think it’s doable,” one fan told us having been bamboozled by the Head and Shoulders model’s movement of 3 cups and a sponge ball not 20 minutes earlier.
“If David Blaine can live in a Perspex box over the Thames whilst people fling shit at him for a month then Jense can definitely overhaul Seb come Abu Dhabi – in fact, I’ve put a tenner on it already!” the blithering imbecile blurted.
And some at least have decided to follow his lead as Button’s odds were immediately slashed in bookmakers across the country from 10,000-1 to 27,000-3.
“Anything’s possible!” a bookmaker commented, “but no I wouldn’t worry about putting your contact details on that betting stub.”