Shennington International: Silverstone’s future as the venue for the British Grand Prix is under threat thanks to the poor sartorial sense of its attendees, writes our flimsy anorak correspondent, Clamidia Pumps.
Despite a new 4,000 year contract being signed off the back of the brand new 30m upgrades undertaken by the Northamptonshire venue, F1 supremo Bernie Ecclestone has expressed reservations about how all the shiny new buildings look with the same standard of fucking ugly bastards still being allowed onto the premises.
“I quite like what you’ve done with the place – finally,” the diminutive shit stirrer told circuit representatives on the eve of the race.
“But come on: this is Formula 1 – not a day out at Alton Towers.”
Only those at the cutting edge of fashion should be allowed in, says Ecclestone
“If this lot rang on your doorbell you’d call the police: yet for just £50,000 per person we’re letting them attend one of the major sporting events of the calendar? It’s madness,” he exclaimed in a dead-eyed, menacing monotone.
For years, Silverstone battled with the dwarf-titan of F1 finance as he insisted the circuit came up to the sort of scratch he could park his big Mercedes in without immediately vomiting.
But with the circuit finally agreeing to a big enough Ocean Finance Loan to pay for the upgrades, the resulting expensive sheen has cast an unhappily stark light upon the hordes of genetic aberrations still allowed to stalk the track.
“I can see what Bernie is getting at,” said Gok Wan.
“They have this amazing new building but all these horrific looking people trudging about in it in cheap corporate sportswear: it’s like letting the local caravan park residents in to the opening of the Savoy,” he added.
No chavs rule, going forwards
But families in petroleum logo’d polyester polo shirts, mis-shapen baseball caps and highly flammable anoraks were adamant they had a right to attend.
“We’ve paid our money,” one overweight salmon pink individual angrily clenching a 7-fingered fist reacted; “so we have a right to come here.”
“Besides: is it any wonder I dress like this? I just spent 2 months salary on my tickets,” he added.
Bernie Ecclestone was thought to be unbuttoning his trousers inside the FOM motorhome in prreparation for coiling one out onto a picture of a smiling family of 4 from Runcorn wearing matching Vodafone Mclaren tracksuits.