Wapping Dog & Duck: Lewis Hamilton’s detractors breathed a sigh of relief at the British driver’s stupendous German Grand Prix win precisely because he doesn’t do that all the time.
Convening a full 30 seconds after the Mclaren pilot jubilantly crossed the line, journalists keen on demonising the cheerful 24 year old from Stevenage pounced on the fact that hauling a bucket of shit past a double world champion and the best car on the grid wasn’t the sort of thing he was likely to repeat any time soon.
“I’d been running with a “Lewis loses it” and “mentally Ham-ill-ton” line for the last couple of months,” scumbag journalist, Rich Divesquat commented.
Some journalists work up to 8 hours a day between shorts
“It was going great guns. We had lots of new readers plus it’s really easy to trot out each time what with my tendency not to do very much work and my editor being a bit racist,” he added.
“So Lewis driving that chariot of shite to an amazing victory was potentially a bigger threat to my immediate livelihood than the police going through my phone records or accounts giving my expenses more than just the usual cursory glance,“ he explained.
The collapse of the carefully constructed strategy, cooked up around about the 6th or 7th Margarita following the end of Monte Carlo qualifying seemed inevitable then, until what passes as a brainwave crossed the journalist’s mind.
“Let’s see if we can wipe that smile off his face”
“I can’t say I was in the best of spirits,” he added; “I’d had to watch most of the race sober, apart from my hip flask of absinthe and the 3 cans of Special Brew I’d had for breakfast owing to my editor being here.”
“I’d just grudgingly typed a vaguely positive paragraph about Lewis’ performance when I realised the fact I hadn’t done that till now meant he was guilty of just about anything I could think of between the possession of a mercurial ability right up to being a dangerously volatile law unto himself.”
“Basically the same shit I’d been writing since Monaco: it was a hell of a relief, I can tell you,” he confessed prior to vomiting uncontrollably into his apartment sink.
Fans were appalled in their reaction: “I’m appalled that professional journalists can be this cynical with their opinions,” reacted a fan.
“But I look forward to endlessly commentating on a forum hosted by the same publication on the subject, thereby boosting their advertising revenue and kind of justifying the whole lazy, disgraceful attitude in the first place,” she added.