Croydon deed poll office: Future Renault drivers are to have their names changed to those of appropriate past Lotus legends, writes our authenticity correspondent, Noam Logo.
Following their failure at the High Court, the part French, part English, mostly Malaysian, all tosspiece enterprise reacted to the sanction against naming their car whatever they like by getting the drivers to do that instead.
“We are of course, very disappointed that a very large sum of money invested in the best lawyers we could buy did not result in us being able to do what we want,” team principle Eric Boullier-Chapman told reporters following a naming ceremony in which the drivers were cracked over the head with a bottle of Mumm and pushed into the Norfolk Broads.
“And whilst we’re about it, please call me Dave”
“Once we realised we had this amazingly long and deep-seated affection for Lotus – who apparently also make cars – our dream has been to show this love by covering our hybridized shitbox with its old colour scheme and logo then marketing the crap out of it until all the residual affection had disappeared faster than we could offload as many hats, mugs and keyrings.”
“Since the High Court has left us unable to exploit our relentless affection in the way intended however, we have chosen to broadcast this colossal tenderness by renaming our drivers instead who have generously accepted following a free and open discussion of a number of hidden clauses in their contracts.”
“I am very proud to have this name,” a bearded Jim Fittipaldi told reporters, outside the team motorhome.
“It brings back so many great Grand Prix memories – albeit not mine since I was not actually born when they happened,” he said.
His team-mate, meanwhile was similarly effusive regarding his new monicker and the rich history it somehow imbued.
“I too am proud,” goggle-eyed Ronnie Senna announced alongside a scowling PR man holding a set of nutcrackers.
Pure sex appeal
“As a boy, I grew up watching these legends and always wanted to be like them.”
“Never in my wildest dreams however, did I imagine that I could literally be them: it is unbelievable.”
“Fortunately, I work with a team of people for whom the word “unbelievable” is merely a challenge rather than a semantic representation of an event or thing that under no circumstances whatsoever should rationally exist,” he continued.
And whilst the team explained the move meant almost anything was possible they admitted that almost anything wasn’t possible, at the same time.
“There is no fucking way anybody is being called Nigel,” a spokesperson later confirmed.