“Stop selling me all this shit!” fans petition F1 bosses

Jim Rosenthal’s booth: Fans’ hysterical reaction to F1 coverage moving to a commercial broadcaster reflects an inability to move for all this pointless electronic shit they’ve got already, writes our existential dread correspondent, Wolfie Smith.

Reporters financed by a man hellbent on acquiring every sports franchise on the planet came up with the plausible scenario the corporation might jettison coverage to guarantee survival of its BBC4 arts channel upon engaging disgruntled insiders only just realising the full horror of having to live in the north of England to keep their jobs.

But the prospect of live uninterrupted F1 coverage being cut to benefit fewer viewers than were actually invited in person to discover which plagiarising, self-promoting, creatively bankrupt cock-wand would win the Turner Prize, sent fans into motor racing message board mania.

Jake David and Eddie

Alleged BBC F1 substitute has terrified fans

“F1 coverage on the BBC is what made this country great,” one idiot commented.

“Losing it would be literally worse than the death of Princess Diana times the bombings of 7/7 – it is that crucial,” he prattled.

“We must be strong and resist this imposition with the same fortitude our grandfathers showed resisting the Nazis and those old dears did fighting Radio 4 when they tried to move the Archers off Longwave.”

“I love Jake, Martin, DC and the mad one with the beard”, another added, “please don’t take them away or I don’t know what I will do with this crossbow and selection of hunting knives I keep in my lock-up garage.”

“All I know is, I woke up to QVC and this was parked outside the window”

“It’s absolutely fundamental that the BBC should maintain F1 coverage,” another wrote.

“Apart from the irritation caused by constant interruptions I already have enough iPads, gaming devices, cars, personal loans at just 8.3% APR, television sets, holidays in Bali, credit cards and caffeine-rammed fizzy pop to fill this house and the other one I was able to purchase thanks to very competitive mortgage rates.”

“F1 fans are adamant,” media watcher Derren Bellend told us.

“The thought of just one second of coverage being interrupted by a man trying to sell you a washing machine or getting you to try these lovely new oaty biscuits is one second more than they can stand being sold more or less the same things subliminally via the action on the track instead.”

BBC bosses were too busy sobbing onto packing crates bound for Salford to comment.

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