Shifty fucker convinces Williams he’s the answer to their problems

Didcot Parkway Job Centre: This slightly odd looking, right shifty fucker is the solution to all the Williams team’s current woes, writes our gypsies, tramps and thieves correspondent, Bob Tuppenybit.

Enduring their worst start to an F1 season in over 6 months, the Grove squad were struggling to address their myriad performance issues when this bloke turned up telling them he knew precisely what was wrong even if he couldn’t tell them exactly how he knew that.

“We were at a complete loss as to why we’d produced yet another 2nd rate car,” 2nd rate engineer, Sam Michael told reporters.

Williams Rubens Barrichello

“Are you sure these spokey-dokies make it go faster?”

“Then this slightly shifty looking red haired fella turned up and told us if we just trusted him and his “special information“, he’d have it all sorted out in a jiffy.”

“I didn’t know what to say,” the now ex-Williams engineer continued, “but I was so happy the team had finally found an answer, I immediately resigned in 9 months time and was only prevented from simultaneously falling on my sword by the fact we don’t actually have one.”

“Though if we did, it would probably break meaning Frank would have to complete the job by driving over my head repeatedly until it snapped,” he added, “so I thought I’d give it a miss, to be honest.”

Mike Coughlan

Will also tarmac your drive, “for a good price”

The mysterious interloper, known by a number of pseudonyms including Mickey “The Cough”, “that thieving bastard,” “cheating, ginger fuckface”and – in Italy – “Il Bastardo!”, has a face like a Halloween pumpkin carved into the shape of Mick Hucknell and the look of someone you should never, ever lend a tenner to if you wanted to see it again.

“I’ve already got a great feeling about him,” team principal, Frank Williams told reporters.

“It’s the same one I had when we got our first Judd engine, signed Nakajima and our sole source of income was busy raiding the family silver to buy HBOS,” he added.

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