BBC worryingly short of back-up pricks

Broadcasting House: Coverage of the Chinese Grand Prix weekend was worryingly devoid of the fuckwit pundits normally hired by the corporation to annoy and harass its audience, writes our media expert, Trevor Chickens.

Following the absence of chief antagoniser Eddie Jordan after the Irishman badly twisted his beard during morning practice, the BBC rushed a series of calm, charming, thoughtful men into the position vacated to provide expert analysis where previously, gusts of fetid rambling nonsense would have appeared.

“I couldn’t believe what I was watching,” one viewer commented; “for the first time this year I was able to watch with the volume up without having to put a separate bowl down to catch my semi-digested breakfast the second his fat, fucking, stupid bearded face turned up on screen.”

Eddie Jordan reaction

Christ! I thought CBeebies was on now?

“Eddie Jordan’s replacement by sensible, coherent, knowledgeable experts is a massive faux pas by the BBC,” some partisan, grasping cunt from News International said.

“Since 1997 with the likes of Tony Jardine, Mark Blundell and – latterly – Jonathan Legard and baleful shitticism compatriot, Eddie Jordan; the F1 audience has grown used to having at least one person on the commentary team who’s apparent role is to make people go and immediately watch something else.”

“Once it was clear EJ was going to be unavailable the BBC should have had contingency for at least one – ideally two – substitute twats to draft in,” he continued.

Andy Gray Richard Keys

Quick! Sign them up, BBC urged

“I’m thinking an Alan Shearer or Alan Green figure,” he suggested, “or maybe Andy Gray now he’s free. And that’s just the A’s.”

“We hope to have normal service resumed in time for the Turkish Grand Prix,” a BBC spokesman said.

“So if I were everyone: keep the volume turned down till about 5 minutes before the start, know where the emergency exits are and keep a paper bag on you at all times,” he added.

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