Blockbuster Video: Lotus Renault’s hopes of sparking tenuous nostalgia for its faux-JPS livery were dashed when its Russian driver’s unexpected success instead sparked a warm fuzzy feeling for the 1985 hit film, Rocky IV, writes our False Memory Syndrome correspondent, Max Clipboard.
The 26 year old’s 3rd place finish in Melbourne sparked scenes of jubilation amongst his Lotus team and a horde of soulless marketing cunt bubbles, punching the air in front of a series of brightly drawn, incomprehensible flipcharts somewhere in an expensively attired office suite in Soho.
“I must break you! (But only after I break this car)”
It was only after a series of carefully conducted follow-up market research surveys however, that it was discovered rather than a grubbily concocted historical kudos, the team had in fact merely kick-started a retro love-fest for Sly Stallone’s 4th installment of the popularly ludicrous incoherent punch-up franchise.
“Lotus’ plan was for a cloak of bullshit nostalgia to be generated amongst an audience of impressionable, scatterbrained idiots manipulating their half-arsed YouTube memories of Ayrton Senna via a tin of black paint,” journalist Tiff Stripsearch told us.
“But they reckoned without the possibility Dolph Lundgren’s blonde proto-gay beef cake Russian icon, Drago would more easily jog people’s memories once his not-very-similar goggle-eyed fake-countrymen, Petrov popped up on a podium with his million yard stare and Soviet-era comedy English accent.”
Not coming to a teenager’s screensaver near you
“If he dies, he dies,” millions of viewers imagined the Russian dictating in a menacing voice during the press conference, immediately ruining the idea they’d actually be busy downloading Exige desktop wallpapers instead.
It’s believed Dolph’s [film] bride, Brigitte Nielsen didn’t help Lotus’ master plan either as a massive pair of tits merely reminded everyone of the team’s previous Renault principle, Flavio Briatore.