“This monosyllabic drunk guy exactly the sorta foreigner we’s a’ lookin’ for!!”, says NASCAR spokesman

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Updated: April 18, 2011

Texas Fried Chicken: Kimi Raikkonen’s move to the US Stock Car championship, NASCAR has been warmly received by its beer-swilling, red neck organisers, writes our grits correspondent, Tia Maria.

The 32 year old ex-Ferrari, Mclaren and Sauber driver announced his intentions from his yacht Ebööze, anchored as near as possible to the Tip Top Bar in Monaco’s glamorous Monte Carlo harbour.

“As a boy growing up in the frozen wastes of the Arctic Circle, I developed my passion for racing by hurling simple but powerful machines around low-grip surfaces in front of baying, half-cut, freezing audiences,” the bleary-eyed Finn gargled to reporters.

Kimi Raikkonen

Compulsory drinking and driving lifestyle said to suit the Finn

“In seeking to re-create this passion I am therefore delighted NASCAR can offer me exactly the same challenge but in a warmer climate with a drinks allowance consumable during the event,” he added, before knocking back a double-vodka and falling overboard.

NASCAR, a primordial form of racing still popular with a breed of human unique to southern parts of the US and certain parts of Basildon on a Friday night, are thought to have made the appeal to Kimi whilst the 2007 F1 World Champion was preparing for his next WRC event, sleeping off a 3 day bender.

“Yee-ha and yippy-yi-kay you goddam mo-foes!” NASCAR head Bertrand Beer-Belly Jim-Bob-Billy-Butt III commented on the signing.

NASCAR crash

Damn, he missed

“Yes indeedy-do and hot-diggity-dawg! Mister Ray-Conan sure is our type of Kimi-Sabe,” he told reporters by satellite phone during his local PTA Ku Klux Klan fundraising barbecue.

“There ain’t nuttin’ better n’ a hard chargin’, hard drinkin’ driver to get our loyal fan base of barely-conscious, immovable, illiterates a whoopin’ an’ a-hollerin’, provided they can get up the energy in the first place”, he said.

“We sure are gonna sell oursel’s a peachy nummer uh these here hats”, he finished, holding up a white hood emboldened with a blue and white swastika.

It’s thought that the likes of Lewis Hamilton ain’t welcome round these parts, no sir-ee Tammy-Sue.

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