Barcelona: Hispania Racing have unveiled an object shaped like a Formula 1 car, writes our credulous correspondent, Stockard Rinse-Masterpiece.
Arriving at the final pre-season test in Barcelona, the alleged F1 team wheeled the full-sized scale model of a racing car before an audience of journalists to the deafening shriek of quite a stiff breeze blowing around the empty grandstands.
“I am very, very proud of the team for what they have achieved”, chief Colin Kolles said, gesticulating at the brightly coloured carapace.
Comes free with 2 passably realistic drivers
“Everyone from the guy who buys in the plasticine to our team of modelers and the man who pumps the tyres up and put all these transfers of fictitious sponsors on: I’d like to say a big thankyou to.”
“In particular, I’d like to raise a big glass of this cheap Chardonnay to Bob: the guy from accounts who also makes the tea, cuts the team’s hair and puts the phone down on our creditors.“
“It was he who noticed the fins sprouting on all the other cars which – once we’d bought enough Fimo in – was subsequently added to make the whole thing look even more realistic.”
The orange, green and white object has 4 wheels and tyres, a realistic looking steering wheel and can fit a single life-sized person inside the cockpit where they can pretend at being a real F1 driver if only they had about another $20 million.
2011 model has had a long gestation
“Last year’s Hispania appeared to be able to travel under its own power – albeit at a different speed to everyone else – but this is already a considerable improvement,” paddock pundit Simon Ground-Effect told us.
“For a start it doesn’t seem as though it was put together with Lego plus they’ve been able to get hold of a few tins of paint that aren’t necessarily black.”
“Like many others, I certainly look forward to it being pedaled to the end of the Melbourne pitlane for first practice once they’ve cut a hole in the floor of the chassis for the drivers’ legs,” he added.