White City: The BBC has started to wonder who the bloody hell is going to pay for all this sodding F1 coverage it couldn’t really afford in the first place, our media expert Chris Ketchup writes.
In a bid to figure out where this 3 and a half billion quid of licence fee money goes every year anyway, BBC mandarins have identified F1’s helmeted head for the chopping block; a move which has caused a Formula-furore amongst those young enough to recall the previous broadcasting efforts of commercial rival ITV, way back in 2008.
“Though it was over 2 years ago”, Solihull-based F1 fan, Keith Frinton told us, “I well recall the efforts of Ryder, Rosenthal and – most terrifyingly – Jardine and Blundell every other Sunday.”
Absolutely fucking terrifying
“It used to begin with Jamiroquai,” he started, “and then…and then…”, he continued, before passing out in a cold sweat.
“There are really only 2 things my mind will let me remember,” a substitute fan was later able to recount with the aid of powerful anti-depressants.
“This uber-hatted cock-wand ringpiece’s supermarket funk dirge and an increasingly fat, incoherent cockney telling me about fings that were going to be happening or not or just had happened or might’nt, all in the same tense.”
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“Then the pit of my stomach would plummet towards my shoes and all I can remember after that is a disembodied head, screaming,” he added.
“I think it was mine.”
It’s thought that, should the BBC carry out its threat and withdraw from the sport, people will start pining even for the likes of Jonathan Legard and Eddie Jordan, remarkably quickly
“It depends”, one expert commented.
“If they can lure Steve Ryder back it may take 6 months or more but if Cockney Wanker and Jardine pop up on screen 30 seconds after a Rod Stewart ditty, I’d give it about 10 minutes.”