Glasgow infirmary: Ferrari has announced that its longstanding lucrative deal to make lung cancer seem fun and sexy has been extended, writes our bronchial pathogen correspondent, Hakim Koff.
Seeking to win back both the drivers’ and constructors’ championships in 2011, the Italian concern sought to reinforce its budget by renewing the multi-million dollar Marlboro sponsorship deal in return for 3 feet of signage on the engine cover and the certain knowledge its soul would burn forever in Beelzebub’s perpetual eviscerating fire of damnation.
But before the sound of crackling prancing horse skin and the whiff of burning mane had entered the nostrils of attendees to the Scuderia’s latest launch party, their head of marketing communications explained the logic behind raking in wheelbarrowfuls of cash to encourage people to die prematurely in horrific, writhing agony.
Actually, I ordered the steak
“Ferrari is a proud company with enormous heritage and massive history. But dwarfing both of these is the desire to constantly challenge itself,” explained Massimo Moriarty Mussolini.
“And what could be more challenging than convincing millions of people these toxic tubes of pure carcinogen are really stylish lifestyle accessories which if set fire to, stuck in one’s mouth and their life-inhibiting smoke inhaled, unlock the hitherto hidden seductive charms and sexual allure of each gullible user?”
And as the final firm tug of supple wrists ushered dark satin sheets shimmering to the floor across a glistening flank of crimson metal; the unsheathing of sleek red Ferrari carapace below an enormous spotlit carton of 20 already seemed 150 million dollars well spent to corporate Jezebels at the world’s largest nicotine-pedaling killing machine.
Will do 5 of those things on your list if that’s really your car outside
“I’m not sure why”, one attendee commented, “but I’m all of a sudden absolutely gasping for a fag. And a wank. Though I’d settle for a drag right at this precise moment, if I’m honest,” he wheezed.
It’s thought that some of the money going to the Scuderia will be donated to cancer research which if successful will mean smokers being able to buy even more of the product before dying prematurely of emphysema instead.