LA Law: A group of European-based evolutionary biologists are suing Ford for manufacturing road transportation for American missing links, writes our tit-for-tat correspondent, Sally Forth.
Addressing a small crowd on the steps outside Orange Wednesday County Court, spokesperson for the group, Professor Brian Muff of the Institute for Being Cleverer Than You, explained why they were issuing the counter-writ following the corpulent crappy car builder’s initial spat with the Scuderia.
“Mankind is an organism like any other“, the Professor began, “and thus should be subject to the same laws of evolution and natural selection as any other,” he added, waving a copy of The God Delusion above his head.
Prior to the combustion engine, trips to the mall were largely conducted on foot
“Providing these bipeds with the means to procure groceries in out of town supermarkets with a fucking big truck therefore, halts a crucial biological fate from being enacted where this species is reduced to a couple of dozen emaciated individuals hacking each other’s heads off for juicy, juicy ear crackling.”
“And it is the corruption of natural laws that is the one – and only – reason we are taking this important stand,” he explained, leaning on the hood of his brand new, shiny, red 458.
Rednecks, a breed of animal broadly related to humans who subsist mostly on processed cheese and Ultimate Fighting, broke away from its root species during the country’s civil war in 1860 when they were unable to comprehend darker skinned versions of themselves having the power of speech.
Since then, the genus has gradually cut itself adrift from American society, living in inaccessible swampland in places nobody in their right mind would choose to go to – let alone live – and evolving their own traits: facial hair with the tensile strength of wire wool, webbed hands and feet and levels of stupidity and ignorance that would terrify pond life.
Yeah: but how much Miller can you get in it, buddy?
“There’s no bloody way these missing links would still even exist; let alone pick up social security cheques, colonise trailer parks, vote Republican and play the banjo if companies like Ford didn’t shamelessly and irresponsibly prevent them from reaping their natural last fatal act of chewing off their own feet having just finished raping and barbecuing their closest family members”, Muff finished.
Ford said they would respond in due course once they were back from their lynching and grits-eating NASCAR weekend in Alabama having first machine gunned some empty beer cans in a field some place out back, y’hear?