Drivers demand FIA bionic hand equality pledge

Scrapyard Challenge: Robert Kubica’s fellow F1 drivers have asked the FIA for assurances any superhuman powers the Pole gains as a result of his forthcoming arm operation be accounted for in the rulebook, writes our Bionic Man correspondent, Steve Austin-Texas.

The 26 year old from Krakow was expected to take his Renault seat for 2011 alongside fellow East European, Vitaly Petrov but was prevented from doing so by inadvertently entering a rally, unwittingly driving as fast as he could and crashing involuntarily, straight into an Armco.

Robert Kubica Robocop

Robo-Kub? More circuit-ry than circuit-er is nightmare scenario, suggest drivers

But whilst the subsequent unintended smashing and splintering of limbs in the completely unforseeable accident has left the Pole sidelined for the rest of the season, speculation concerning the technology used to rebuild him, hasn’t.

“Our first thoughts are obviously for Robert’s well-being”, an anonymous grinning driver told us, “but our second has to be that his rehabilitation at the hands of an insane, maverick robotics-specialising scientist could result in an unfair mechanical advantage when he comes back.”

“We are therefore seeking assurances from Charlie Whiting and the FIA that – much like turbochargers, ground effect and rocket fuel are banned for cars – so will night vision, superhuman strength and fire resistant flesh be for the drivers.”

Kubica’s extensive injuries, though not life threatening, do have the potential for exploitation by medically trained lunatics with access to the sort of unlikely but totally cool technologies seen in film and TV shows like the 6 Million Dollar Man, Robocop and the Gadget Show.

Robert Kubica arm

Cutting edge technology could give Pole unfair advantage

“We would hate to see Robert forced into early retirement due to his injuries”, the driver laughed, whilst high-fiving a fellow competitor.

“But the thought of him coming back with an electronically controlled set of limbs pre-programmed to steer and brake at exactly the right time is equally unfair and we are therefore hoping the FIA introduce legislation now, outlawing this sort of thing before it’s too late.”

“Or failing that an embargo against the Polish generally: that would do it”, he added.

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