Billabang: Lewis Hamilton’s fucking annoying gap-toothed grin will now be wiped off his face in Australia rather than the Middle East, writes our schadenfreude correspondent, Chaz Chutzpah.
Once the Bahrain organisers could no longer guarantee the safety of Bernie Ecclestone’s wallet amidst the country’s populist meltdown, the writing was on the wall for where Lewis would discover that yes: his car really is the meandering streak of piss it first appeared in testing.
Now not coming to a track near you, a fortnight later
And when no alternative stepped forward to replace F1’s second favourite scantily attended plutocratic venue, the Antipodean continent was rubber-stamped as the locale for the unveiling of an expression on Lewis’ face not dissimilar to a cliff shattering into a thousand pieces before falling half a mile into the sea.
“I was really looking forward to seeing Lewis’ perennial cheery mask of optimism slowly slip into a shell-shocked viscera of barely comprehensible terror this weekend”, an F1 viewer told us.
“So when these people in Bahrain started rioting and getting shot dead I became very concerned the viewing pleasure I get from watching people I hate lose the will to live would get delayed by a whole fortnight.”
You wait till we tell them there’s no ticket refund either
Sparked by an over-privileged little shitbag stealing all his people’s money then laughing at them from a much bigger house, the unrest has had a bigger impact than simply the 2 week delay in betting which minute of the TV interview Lewis will actually start crying and reminding F1 what it’s gone through every day since about 1982.
“Formula 1 should be concerning itself with far more important things than simply laughing at Lewis’ optimism being shredded live, on a bumpy public road,” said Jean Todt.
“It’s also about the bailiffs getting called to Hispania 2 weeks later than expected, Tamara Ecclestone having to cancel her duty free shopping trip and Mercedes tearing up their excuse book: even if it mostly had just, “sand!” written in it, in 80 pt font.”
“Can I please have a glass of water and fresh bandages?”, this blood-soaked Bahrain protester later asked a couple of slightly abashed Ferrari-bedecked German fans posing awkwardly in front of the burning circuit gates.