BARB: The upsurge in F1 viewing figures for 2010 has been linked to the inability of fans being able to pretend at doing it instead of just watching, writes our viewing correspondent, Ian Idiots.
Trumpeting the latest statistics as evidence Formula 1 is in rude health, F1 circus Ringmeister, Bernie Ecclestone waved the figures under everyone’s noses and started going on about this somehow justifying the piss poor product served up in increasingly wallet-crippling installments.
“2010 was a record year for F1’s global viewing market share”, announced the malign midget.
“More people than ever before tuned into Formula 1 which has absolutely nothing to do with more people being on the planet and even more of them having access to a telly and much more to how much better I’ve made it once again”, he trumpeted from on top of a milk crate.
Some pie charts, yesterday
But others begged to differ with the billionaire, stressing instead that the real reason for the upsurge in interest was down to a reduction in the number of better things you had to do with your time.
“Let’s be honest”, F1 media expert, Hansard Nunchuka admitted, “given the choice, most people would rather not watch Eddie Jordan curdle David Coulthard’s face into a Dairy Lee triangle waxwork of constipated bewilderment every fortnight“.
“Especially if this cool electronic gizmo in the corner of my living room could help me pretend instead I was actually taking part in my own race and not sitting here in front of the TV in my underpants, crying”, he analysed.
But electronic steering simulacrum specialists Codemasters were late to the 2010 button-pushing party and in so doing, left millions of socially challenged individuals with nothing better to do than tune into Jake, Martin, David and the other BBC-cultivated freaks of human nature, it’s claimed.
“Failing to deliver the F1 game was too much for people who’d already completed World of Warcraft and all the Metal Gear Solid variations”, Nunchuka continued.
Quite exciting if you’ve already emptied your nutsacks. Twice
“Once they’d stopped masturbating for the third time that morning there was therefore no alternative but to put on the F1 coverage and grind through another painful couple of hours’ figuring out where the English language had descended this week”, he added.
But Ecclestone was unrepentant regarding the alternative explanation, “I’m so rich I long ago stopped caring what anyone else thinks”, he said.
“It therefore doesn’t matter if I’m right or wrong because simply existing as someone other than me makes you automatically worthless: so ner-ner-ner-ner-ner!”, he told delegates at the CVC Capital annual board meeting.