Story shortage prompts calls for off-season backup Stewart

Knackers’ yard: Journalists padding the off-season by relying on a steady stream of comment from aging professional Scots windbag, Jackie Stewart are increasingly at risk of their valuable flannel filler turning fallow, writes our Grand Prix gobshite correspondent, Tam O’ Shanter.

A mere 2 months since the lights went out in Abu Dhabi for the end of the 2010 F1 season, stories about the greatest motorsport discipline on the planet* have steadily dwindled to the point where several Formula 1 journals have already had to lean heavily on the 71 year old’s non-stop stream of half-baked waffle and flimsily considered opinion about anything you’re prepared to pay at least a fiver for.

But extensive mining of the former Champion’s verbal diarrhoea skills this soon into the off season have worried onlookers, concerned the Scot could flag long before the first race of 2011 in Bahrain, plunging the F1 press into a crisis of empty column inches, ice racing from Chamonix and interminable Lotus-twaddle.

Jackie Stewart

Ronnie Corbett not available

“It’s vital that Formula 1 prepare an adequate replacement for Jackie now rather than waiting until it’s too late”, ex-editor of international motorsports mag, “Motorsports International Magazine”, Chesterton Fistwarmer, told us.

“I have it on good authority that the level and intensity of questioning Jackie has endured has already left him close to breaking point.”

“I fear that one more demand for filler could send him scuttling in his tartan monogrammed slippers back home to Loch Ness, too exhausted to express his opinion for the foreseeable future on how great the current F1 field is, if Schuey’s comeback is a good idea or whether he gives any more of a shit about Lotus than the rest of us”, he warned.

To avert certain disaster and more pointless speculation about the 2013 regulations, an emergency Stewart back-up phalanx has been proposed which would immediately become available for its opinion about refueling and Max Mosley should the Scot be indisposed having fallen asleep in front of his Monarch of the Glen DVD box-set.

“They would have to be knowledgeable about F1, available to talk shit in the middle of the night and – most importantly – cheap,” Fistwarmer added.

Eddie Jordan, Niki Lauda and Mark Blundell were unavailable for comment but might be for a fully stamped Cafe Nero loyalty card, small denomination book token or packet of Monster Munch.

*it says here

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