Mansell backing scuppers Group Lotus legitimacy hopes

Isle of Moan: Ex-British World Champion, Nigel Mansell’s backing for Group over Team Lotus during their current wrist-slashingly tedious dispute has cost the authentic Norfolk-based Sepang concern serious credibility, writes our credibility correspondent, Colgate Beige.

The Kuala Lumpur rumpus concerns the 2 companies’ argument over a third company whose tax-dodging founder died over 25 years ago yet from which each wish to absorb some kudos through painting themselves different colours but adopting the name of the same, long-dead thing.

To confuse matters further, the revelation that the thing painted itself different colours over its history has meant the dispute now surrounds which of the black and gold or green and yellow schemes are most likely to fool the public into believing they are the more authentic fake.

Later, he got up. Unfortunately.

And it was into this curdled cold grey soup of rancid corporate jism that the 57 year old blundered; like a hirsute, wounded, senile animal stumbling helpless under a blazing sun into a shimmering lake of shit believing it to be an oasis of cool, fresh drinking water.

“Colin was like a second father to me and Lotus a second family”, the ’92 champ began droning to a rapidly diminishing conscious audience.

“The world’s racetracks were my second playground, Norfolk a second home – until I bought a third home in Portugal and another in Florida – and John Player Special cigarettes my second favourite source of death“.

“Which is why I remember them with such fondness because of course I never finished higher than second either! Or was it 4th?”, he continued at the now empty room.

“I am therefore delighted that the Lotus that decided to paint itself the same colours as the Lotus I used to drive are back and believe wholeheartedly they can emulate that success: one race win in 5 years, then a long slow decline to a protracted, expensive, excruciating demise.”

Frankly, too astonishing not to reprint

“This is disastrous for Lotus,” an insider told us. “It isn’t their endorsement by Mansell that tarnishes their reputation but the reminder he ever drove for them that has now removed any chance they had, their collapse into embarrassing ignominy, debt, multiple ownership and Far East corporate in-fighting had somehow still left them with even a sliver of respectability.”

Group Lotus refused to comment on the Brummie backing though journalists’ pressing their ears up to CEO, Danny Bahar’s office did record the sound of a weeping man repeatedly slamming his head in a filing cabinet.

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