Lewisham Argos: A South London man wanting to sell his 2nd-hand Panasonic 38“ plasma TV on Ebay has offered to break Bernie Ecclestone’s legs if the 80 year old billionaire agrees to sell it for him instead, writes our shameless profiteering correspondent, Hieronymus Basch.
The F1 rights holder’s recent mugging outside his London home created a media storm when the tyrannical billionaire used the series of batterings to flog the idea to fellow profligate tasteless monied arseholes it was somehow worth getting beaten half to death for a hideously ostentatious silver bangle that also tells the time.
Appearing in a series of ads with the tag-line, “see what people will do for a Hublot,” the monstrous shitty twerp has increased brand awareness for the polished metallic colonic bangles 50-fold say Marketing tosspieces, impressed about the distressing number of tragically wealthy retards who may now purchase something that increases their chances of being beaten up in their own street.
Looks suspicious…why did they miss the other eye?
But for Dave Minestrone, currently struggling to sell his 3 year old plasma television on the online hawking site Ebay, Ecclestone’s victim vendor immediately gave the unemployed layabout of one an idea about how to shift the 37“ recalcitrant goggle box.
“I thought Bernie was very clever using his own pummeling to make even more money for himself”, he told us.
“And his excellent attitude of exploiting painful, miserable events to flog any old tat he might have knocking around is one I’d feel personally privileged to exploit.”
“I would therefore like to invite Mr Ecclestone to appear in a specially commissioned ad for my telly, once I’ve taken my golf clubs to his knees,” he explained.
Yours for 60 quid: 100, covered in blood
It’s thought the leg-lamping will be a simple process in which the Head of F1 is ambushed outside his office in Belgravia with a 9 iron and any promotional shots taken in the back of the ambulance using Mr Minestrone’s own Kodak Easyshare whilst the billionaire is removed from the scene in agony.
“I know how important – and expensive – Bernie’s time is”, Dave chuckled.
“So it’s important I’m seen to be taking this seriously and respecting his values and credentials”.
“I’ve even made sure it’s a proper ad”, he continued.
“The pictures are in frames with a coloured border and I’m employing a more expensive – and bigger – font. I’ve also commissioned a professional writer to check my spelling”.
“Well, I say writer. Actually he’s my pharmacist but I figured he has to spell complicated medicines all day for a living so he should be able to at least help us out with describing how many SCART sockets this has.”
