JPS livery revival brings back fond memories of both my legs, says Atherosclerosis patient

St Thomas’ outpatients: Renault’s re-branding to the iconic black and gold of John Player Special has sent fuzzy twinges of nostalgia running up and down the phantom legs of F1 fan amputee cardiac patients everywhere, writes our obstructive pulmonary disease correspondent, Bob Carolgees-Phleming.

Chronic grizzled nicotine addict uni-dexters the world over were delighted at the rekindling of pre-carcinogenic memories when the walk to the local shop to buy another 5 packets of the product proudly adorning their heroes’ cockpits was still unaided.

“Those pictures [of the mocked up black-and-gold Renault] sent such a wave of nostalgic elation through me I immediately wanted to get up and touch the screen”, one fan told us.

John Player Special JPS

Just as sexy glimpsed through an oxygen tent

“But sadly, owing to complications involving a near terminal arterial blood clot in 1997, doing so merely caused me to bang my head on a glass coffee table as I tumbled out of my wheelchair”, he added.

Nonetheless, as nurses swept up the resultant detritus of low-rent scud pamphlets, Mini Cheddars and betting slips, fellow 20th Century nicotine addict spaz charioteers were still prepared to wheel themselves into a frenzy at the thought of the return of 2 colours which above all else, spells the glory of F1 fags. Apart from red and white. And yellow.

“This is one of the most exciting announcements I have ever heard in motorsport”, said Alan Woodbine, excitedly.

“Even though the colouring has nothing to do with the product – which itself long since perished at the tobacconists – and in fact, seems to have nothing to do with the car either I cannot resist the simple, sexy allure of that graphic 2-tone combination”, he explained.

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“It reminds me of a much simpler time in F1: when everything was much more raw, sexy and dangerous. When me and my mates could sneak in round the back of Silverstone and jump over the fence to get in for nothing to watch our heroes jostle in deadly wheel to wheel combat”.

“Where as now”, he continued, “it costs me over 150 quid just to be wheeled to the exact same spot where I get left for 10 hours in my own piss whilst my minder goes and chats up one of the stall holders”.

And if the concept really takes off with fans, especially given the sheer fucking incomprehensibility of it so far, it’s not beyond the realms of possibility that other classic liveries could make a return to the F1 fray.

“That would be amazing”, Alan reminisced. “If we could see the classic Martini colours back as well it would be another reminder of all those great times: like when I used to be able to piss out of my dick rather than through a hole in my side into a bag”, he added poignantly.

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