Timo Glock wins 2010 fans’ drivers’ championship

Sharm el Shake n’ Vac: As the 2010 F1 World Drivers’ Championship concluded in Abu Dhabi with an emotional victory for soft toy German Sebastian Vettel, the various dissatisfying claims each of the 4 contenders had for the title led fans to clamour for Timo Glock to be crowned champion instead, writes our F1 Fan correspondent, Lionel Spunkfest.

After 18 races and more than 3,500 miles of racing the championship finale entered the Middle East Kingdom with 4 drivers poised to be champion: the angry one with the eyebrows, the angry one with the jaw, the androgynous one and My Little Pony.

Hamilton Button Alonso Webber Vettel

Bunch of chancers

But even as fans have struggled to comprehend the sheer unprecedented excitement the F1 PR machine tells them they’ve been feeling for the tight title run-in, the nagging doubt has remained that none of the contenders fully deserve the championship crown.

“Obviously I prefer the fact that this wasn’t wrapped up weeks ago”, one fan told us in between internet porn sessions, “but I’m struggling to think any of them should have the championship all the same”, he added.

Over the course of the season, the pendulum of fortune has swung many times and from side to side and up and down. Initially to Alonso who won the opening race, then the Mclaren team with surprise victories from Jenson Button before Red Bull were finally able to make their faster car pay dividends upon figuring out the chequered flag was the thing they were aiming at, rather than each other.

But during that period mistakes, controversy, stupidity, blatant cheating and Mark Webber’s constantly irritable demeanour have left fans with the uncomfortable feeling that, frankly they can all go and fuck themselves.

“I don’t think I’d feel happy if any of them won it, to be honest”, the fan continued. “So it only seems reasonable we should be able to nominate somebody else. For my money Timo fits the bill”.

timo glock

People’s champion

The 29 year old German for his part has spent the whole of the 2010 season tooling around at the back of the grid, minding his own business struggling to keep at least one other car within sight, driving an advert for a bearded man’s fizzy drink/airline/music shop/ego.

“Timo is the perfect 2010 champ: he has retained his integrity, hasn’t crashed into anybody…much and hasn’t screwed his team mate or team. Unless he has and I haven’t seen it because of all the excitement at the front”, he continued.

Timo was unavailable for comment due to accepting a gong for best turned out mobile chicane at the TV Quick! awards at Southampton’s Mecca Bingo hall.

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