That small moon: Bernie Ecclestone’s 80th Birthday brought an admission by F1’s ringmaster that he would rather be seen as Yoda than the Emperor character from the Star Wars films, writes our hive of scum and villainy correspondent, Bob Kenobi.
As speculation mounts regarding the precise level of unbridled paddock that will occur when the amoral little tit finally pegs out, the newest octogenarian billionaire reflected on his perception as an awful cunt.
“I suppose I’ve only myself to blame”, he told us between mouthfuls of delicious Black Rhino soup, drizzled in Oryx blood.
If Silverstone try to fuck with me, I’ll show them the power of the fucking Force, alright
“But behaving and acting like a complete cunt these last 50 years or so does tend to make people think that’s actually what you’re like whereas – for the people who know me – I’m really not like that at all. Most of the time”, he added, puffing on a cigar rolled by the fingers of a 13 year old Congolese girl sex slave, riddled with leprosy.
Ecclestone then went on to explain how the reputation he’d built up of somehow being a cunt by acting like one had left him feeling depressed – insofar as a man without a conscience can feel any emotion whatsoever – illustrating his reaction to the negative perception via the 2 dichotomous characters from the George Lucas films.
“I know people won’t believe me”, he admitted, “but I’ve always had a soft spot for the 900 year old Jedi sage, Yoda.”
“His simple, childlike – but nonetheless wise – aphorisms about how to live a good life always struck me as the sort of role model I should aspire to”.
“Plus the fact he’s much shorter and uglier than everyone else but he can totally tell everybody else what to do I find oddly alluring,” he added.
A nice man, he’s not
Sadly for the head of everything F1-shaped however, the reality is a rather different one of his own making, as he went on to explain.
“It’s a shame”, he continued, “but by acting like a massive cunt over the years, everyone thinks I’m much more like the Emperor character who goes around killing everything he doesn’t like and being generally evil and bad 24/7.”
“And whilst I myself sometimes feel like killing people,” he chuckled, “not to mention being able to shoot electricity out of my fingertips, really I’d rather my cuddly personality, philanthropy and cod philosophy witticisms were what I was remembered for – rather than being an absolutely massive cunt”,he said wistfully, kicking away a man’s crutches as he left the table, ensuring first he’d taken his wallet and set fire to his hair.