Red Bull Racing are frantically debating which hard luck theme to pursue going into 2011 now that they are inevitably going to win fuck-all in 2010.
After yet another double DNF at the Korean Grand Prix, team bigwigs for the stomach-stripping artificial drink stimulant are in a race against time to concoct a plausible, un-threatening narrative for their being shit before all the jeering hordes of journalists and fans do.
“Red Bull find themselves in an unenviable position,” paddock pundit Jez Baps told us.
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“On the one hand they have the best car in the business driven by some very fast drivers. And on the other they have taken that and completely pissed it up the wall.”
“Somehow or other, as a multi-billion pound business whose one asset is the misguided belief millions of drinkers have that its product is cool, it must turn their gargantuan car crash of a season into some sort of sob story everyone won’t immediately piss themselves laughing at.”
The Milton Keynes-based team which for some reason gets the Austrian national anthem played on the sporadic occasions its cars aren’t parked at the side of the road in more bits than they started, faces a tough job not looking like a basket-case example of self-destructive hubristic fuck-wittery.
Alternately scowling and smirking at each other across the Red Bull garage, both drivers have spent the season throwing their cars at each other whilst a shadowy millionaire fixer makes everyone at home wonder how they can get a job like that if the sole purpose is swanning round the world turning your employer into a laughing stock.
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In the meantime, the car itself – designed by an autistic, lisping, bald fella famous in the 90s – has wowed the paddock by not breaking down as much as they thought a car powered by a French engine and held together with ring pulls would.
“In many respects theirs has been an amazing and unexpected success story”, Baps continued.
“If by amazing and unexpected you mean achieving a level of success that feels more like abject failure having spent 50 gazillion quid over 6 years buying and implementing the best of everything”.