Upstairs bathroom, door locked: Lee McKenzie ’s Japanese Grand Prix BBC anchor debut ruined the otherwise pleasurable bout of female presenter-fulled onanism normally indulged in by thousands of British teenage boy Grand Prix “fans”, writes our monkey-spanking correspondent, Randy Felch-Bag.
The 32 year old from Ayr’s temporary promotion following Jake Humphrey’s drafting to the Commonwealth Games was met with the finely sprayed glutinous cacophony of a thousand spotty racing car freaks’ expelling ball sacks when the announcement was made in August.
But the sweet relief accompanying the splatter of escaping boy-paste was exposed as an empty pump of mis-placed auto-eroticised optimism following the clunky debut of Ms McKenzie during the Suzuka broadcast.
“Massive cock-ups”
“When I found out Lee was going to be filling in for Jake in Japan I became very excited,” 17 year old Callum Ross explained.
“But despite mum walking in on me just afterwards, I retained my optimism as well as a bumper pack of Kleenex right up until the start of qualifying.”
A mere quarter of an hour into the broadcast however, Callum’s enthusiasm and that of several thousand fellow tumescent teenagers wilted abruptly amidst a deflating barrage of dead air, mis-timed handovers, wooden grimacing, mangled interviewee names and Eddie Jordan’s fumbling attempts to goose his fellow broadcaster.
Could be worse…
“I love Lee”, Callum continued, “in the only way I know how; but even my perpetually engorged yoghurt pump was left spitting feathers when confronted with a steady sequence of dead-eyed verbal stumbling, mistaken identities and inappropriate flannel.”
“Frankly, knocking one out over her panicking goggle-eyed face had all the erotic allure of a rotting carcass”, he confessed.
“Or Louise Goodman at any rate”, he added.
Jake Humphrey will return to the role for the remainder of the season to the sound of thousands of friendless, overweight girls furiously frotting themselves.
