Shrangi-La: The Mercedes-powered Mclaren squad are in a desperate fight against time to select the correct deity to genuflect before in the increasingly tight battle for the 2010 F1 World Championship, writes our Religious Affairs correspondent, Vegas Throughput.
After a hat-trick of mediocre races in which a host of updates failed to translate into race wins, the Woking team have concluded that their only chance in the remaining 3 events is to direct their desperate pleading to the right omnipotent being.
“We have thrown everything but the kitchen sink at it for the last month,” Mclaren head, Martin Whitmarsh told reporters.
“So frankly we may as well chuck in a Bible, Torah, Koran or whatever other bile-filled misogynistic stone-age tome of intolerant vindictive ranting we think represents the least implausible belief system because we’re fucked if we can figure out how to make this piece of silvery shit go any faster”.
Whitmarsh did however go out of his way to try and avoid offending anyone who could potentially have been a sponsor.
“Obviously we apologise in advance for any offence caused by our apparently cynical exploitation of others’ deeply held religious beliefs but both ourselves and our partners are prepared to risk the eternal damnation of our souls if it helps us clinch the 2010 drivers or constructors championship”, he said.
The prospect of Mclaren switching fictional Almighties this late in the season has led many to speculate that outright panic has gripped the Surrey-based squad, however.
“Admitting you have fundamental issues of faith with just 3 races to go shows Mclaren have made big mistakes in their afterlife planning”, religious affairs expert, Cardinal Wolsey told us.
“Sorry, I’m out for the next 10,000 years”
“Most teams ensure their divinity provision is firmly nailed down at the beginning of the season to ward off the chances of mysterious catastrophic failures and Eddie Jordan. Switching this late is just careless if you ask me and Jesus Christ our Saviour, who happens to agree,” he added.
Others however, were more minded to give the Woking team the benefit of the doubt.
“Clearly the lack of results is hurting them”, one rival team owner observed.
“Equally, they are at a loss as to how to use scientific rationale and engineering nous to make the jittery metallic shit bucket go any faster.”
“So who are we to judge the abject stupidity of someone for thinking their success or failure wasn’t the result of specific pleading to an omnipotent being who as well as creating and maintaining the universe, is apparently also taking a keen day-to-day interest in all your crushingly pointless bollocks?”, he argued with vigorous logic.
God was unavailable for comment, being wowed by some otherwise inscrutable card tricks from Derren Brown.