Edge of the World: An unusual coterie of scientists, soothsayers and shamans have warned that the result of any premature Michael Schumacher quit decision could have potentially apocalyptic consequences on the whole of humanity, writes our end-of-the-world correspondent, Bob Pitchfork.
Attempting to feign insight at the Italian Grand Prix, stubble faced, professional Irish irritant Eddie Jordan announced that laughing stock comeback champ Schumacher was about to pack his bags and head back to his ranch at Berchesgarten where since retirement, he had hitherto run a successful budgerigar breeding program for the Red Cross.
Wheelchair bound viewers unable to ask their handlers to mute the television fast enough and those unable to locate the remote in time, met the revelation with the same mixture of incredulity, blank-eyed indifference and irritable boredom as the last time they accidentally had to listen to speech emerging from the insufferable oaf’s stupid, bearded face.
Perhaps if the BBC made him swallow it, we wouldn’t be able to hear him any more? thinks audience
But subsequent otherwise incomprehensible reprints of the story, coupled with credible sources backing up the revelations have plunged members of the scientific and baloney communities into total panic at the mounting possibility the story could actually be true.
“It is an absolute inalienable fact that everything Jordan says is 100%, abject bollocks”, Professor Sid Little of the Church of the Poisoned Mind told us.
“Much as the laws of thermodynamics, gravity, Brownian Motion and the cuntingness of Jeremy Kyle can be tested for their absolute veracity, so the gabbling tosh that spurts like a ruptured sewage pipe from the mouth of that infantile, squinting tugger can be guaranteed both fact and sense free.”
“So the possibility – however remote – that he has managed to say something that contains even an atom of logic, coherence or truth could have devastating consequences for the whole of the future of mankind,”, he warned.
According to reports, this catastrophe is connected with an ancient Mayan prophecy, repeated in subsequent religious texts such as the Bible, Koran, Torah and the Da Vinci Code.
Something about this bad about to be unleashed, suggest experts
“The prophecy states that all living matter is held together with an invisible psychic energy force,” Dr Kildare of the Institute for the Study of Ghosts n’ Goblins told us.
“Yet whilst this force is strong enough to bind the Universe together it is nonetheless also vulnerable to sudden, catastrophic collapse should an event take place – so unlikely – the very space time continuum itself is torn asunder in shock.”
“And on the face of it”, he continued, “a grain of truth appearing in a statement by Eddie Jordan could well be that event,” he added; his wizened figure illuminated for a brief, terrible second by a tremendous crash of lightening, silhouetted against a stark, scorched and ruined landscape. Sponsored by Pepsi.