North Utsire, South Utsire: F1 supremo Bernie Ecclestone shook hands yesterday on a deal to supply unpredictable weather patterns and fickle climate activity to racetracks currently delivering inadequate levels of meterorological excitement, writes our inclement Met Office correspondent, Jeff Stelling.
The deal, said to be worth 500 million Euros will run from the start of the 2011 season for 7 seasons and involves the famous 4.13 mile Spa circuit managing the local weather systems of any tracks considered incapable of delivering a sufficient level of climactic climax.
“This is a good deal for Formula 1,” the sport’s very own micro-climate told journalists whilst gesticulating behind himself at a map annotated with weather symbols and isobars.
Belgian track now featuring massive discounts on all deep lying depressions and cold fronts
“Due to an unforeseen build up of tedium here”, he said, pointing at a series of locations in Spain and the Middle East, “it became imperative that we periodically re-locate this uniquely idiosyncratic front of weather here,” he motioned back to a central area of Europe, “in order that much of the following can be avoided,” he finished, pulling down a roller blind with a photo of a man in a coma on it.
Peter Van De Hire, the local Belgian council official who helped broker the deal, echoed Ecclestone’s optimism, explaining a little of how the localized climate change was to come about.
“We don’t know how it will work exactly”, he said, “we just know it will.”
“Maybe we’ll get a couple of planes and attach some kind of massive hammock between them and scoop up the weather? Or perhaps we can do the opposite of what happens at those big Communist parades when they don’t want it to rain,” he speculated.
Chaotic weather caused unprecedented excitement at this year’s race
“I haven’t got a fucking clue to be honest, but the way Bernie’s screwed us over the last 20 years, I should think this will just about cover our losses.”
“Viking North Utsire South Utsire Forties Cromarty Forth Tyne Dogger mainly westerly, backing southerly or southwesterly 3 or 4, increasing 5 to 7,“ a Belgian weather representative added.